To Sweetie, wherever you are

You were fine last week, I was holding you, and petting your head. You looked at me with bright green eyes, your pupils shiny and dilated. You were beautiful, and had a beautiful soul. You spoke with such softness and delicateness, speaking only when there is an urgency, a need for it. 

You have always been my first love, being a teenager and none the wiser, I found you - or rather you found me. You were a tiny little thing, reserved and easily frightened, the outside world was not for you. You were afraid of people, any sound, any rumble. Your guard was always up, you'd only come and eat the food we have left for you only until everyone has left. Even then, your guard was still up. My memory is a bit hazy, and I only have fragments of the memory but one day we just decided you'd come and live with us. You became a part of us, you were family. And it has always been that way for the past 10 years. 

10 years of being with you. Following me up the stairs whenever you wanted wet food, trailing me and jumping on me, sleeping with me as I softly caress the spot under your chin with my forefinger. You were there when I graduated. I remember wanting to come back home from college and be with you. Weekends with you was chill, laid-back and peaceful. You barely  use your voice. My white sheets are reminiscent of you sleeping there at the side, my pyjamas are reminiscent of you sleeping on it, my blue criminal law textbook is reminiscent of you placing both of your paws on it this whole place reminds me of you.  Pardon me if this seemed a bit haphazard and is in disarray, I am usually more oriented than this, but losing you is a different kind of heartache.

You were fine last week, shiny and bright eyed as usual. I dont know what went wrong, how it went wrong but its not okay. We should've known earlier, if only we had known you were suffering. You were so good at hiding your pain. In a few days it was a downward spiral, life was a nightmare. I know you are in peace now, no longer in pain. I grieve your loss as your absence in my life, but you will live eternally in my heart. Your presence it here, a little bit of you is here with me, with us.  I can only pray one day we will be reunited again, if Allah is willing. Because this heartache, feels so foreign and novel. I am engulfed in sheer heartache, my bestfriend is no longer here. My loyal furry friend who knows nothing but love and the cosiness of snuggling inside a  shoe box is no longer here and I am devastated. I am broken. These past few days I had it coming, I thought i could brace myself for it, but when the news hit, its just a different kind of feeling. Sadness blurs everything in the background. 

Udi, you are loved and will always be loved, wherever you are.

I love you and I miss you. May Allah reunite us again one day. 

Goodbye.

Time flies, in a blink of an eye. It no longer struts in delicate elegance letting you relish every nanosecond. Once upon a time it did, now, you need to immerse yourself in the moment before time beats you to the finish line. I look at you and i see everything that ive been through. I look at you and i was a freshman in college, eager to start a new chapter and leave the past, unguarded and embellished with the naivety of adolescence, i fell in love hard and gradually.  That was almost 3 years ago. You're the reminder that i am human, and capable of love and heartbreak. I thought i would never love like this, this love i feel for you its unreal,almost inhuman, and yet here it is. If i could tell you what i feel, i'd make the constellations rearrange itself into your name, the sun would glow with the warmth that makes you feel fuzzy inside, and everything smells like grass after the rain, and every love song would play on the radio. Love is alternating from a garden full of flowers to setting it ablaze only to cultivate the very same flowers you burned to the ground again. It's an enigma and so are you.

Blame game

Warm hands and bright eyes,
my warmth and my revival,
the sunray sways around you,
as you said your goodbyes,
this wont be the last,
the words echoes in my mind,
it renders a false sense of comfort,

I hear you in every song I hear,
every inflection every rhythm every line,
did you get hurt am I too late?
I plead with my eyes,
your gaze remains unfazed,
you muster a simper and i asphyxiate,
baby are you hurt inside?
cause the world it will bite,
it will tear you bit by bit,
but I am your cornerstone,
the soil that binds you to the ground,
the water that puts out your flames,
but why am I to blame?

You slip and stumble,
falter at the edge of your sentence,
I see the cracks on the edge of the frame,
last night I heard you crumble,
into pieces of history,
and for slumber is just another escapade,
put out the fire,every spark every flame,
baby cant you see,
you sparkle with brilliance,
but you are soon to fade,
is our love to blame?

She

She is the water to my fire,
who speaks with kindness,
And struts with grace,
A nymph at its finest,

But if you enquire,
i'd say she's not mine,
not mine to hold,
not mine for eternity,
and together we wont grow old,

but for her i'd lie through gritted teeth,
and falter upon a simper,
for she sets my soul ablaze,
and reconciles my sins,
 a puff of delirious haze,
cheek to cheek skin to skin,
but i am torn
are you the book or the vignette?

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-W.H. Auden

Our last night

God damn it hurts like fuck.

Do you remember, we wanted to play bowling for date, but it was booked for some corporate family day event. I was in a grey shirt and blue jeans,you had a white shirt on and your red sneakers.  I pulled you away whilst coming up with ways to spend the day. After all, we needed this date night, and i missed you. The arcade was nearby and thats what we settled for. I love air hockey so thats one of the things we did, i hit the puck so hard it flew off in the opposite direction, but you won eventually. I guess. And then we played the zombie game shooting game, god i loved that, i was on a roll, you tried to keep up. Coin after coin and game after game, i dragged you to the photobooth. My favourite part of it was the pictures we took. Animated and vibrant, dripping with passion and love. ------God damn, i miss you. And this heartbreak hurts more than anything else i've ever felt. My heart feels like its being torn apart, like it has been frayed to tatters. Did you crush it in your fist? Did you think it was okay for you to do so? Are you not happy to be with me? Was i an embarrassment?  There wasnt any indication, any trace of me on anything you made public. I was a hidden secret that you kept safely hidden from the world.  A back up plan in case all else renders you in futility? Well fuck that.

Cause ive got issues

Theres always that repetitive effort that’s been done way too many times till it has grown stale. A lengthy correspondence ensues, acknowledging all your regrets and misdeeds, all the pleadings, the justifications and the likes. Here I am, time and again, in the the very same predicament I’ve been in way too many times, putting the very same ballad again on repeat, playing the very same scene in my mind over again,hearing words you said reverberate through my head like a broken record. You give me air just enough till I asphyxiate and I’d forget how to respire. It already sounds like a bad plot of a coming of age romcom where I am yet again reprising my role as the protagonist navigating her way through life with the trials and tribulations of every girls modern day woes. Cringe worthy so cringe worthy. It dawned on me that im only human, embellished with a wide array of emotions to select from. (lucky!) This week’s resurgence of immense melancholy jolted me into rationality from my delirium, sorta I guess. No one walks out of such things unscathed and unscalded. I am dripping with agony, a façade I can never maintain gracefully. One can only break into a simper for so long, after that its just teeth. I guess, complacency kills and the epilogue to my modern day fable isn’t you. Who is my endgame? And the quest continues